暑假即將來臨，向來就嚴厲的老師現在變得比以往任何時候都更加嚴厲、越發苛刻了，他目的是要全體同學在考試的那一天好好表現一番。他手中的教鞭和戒尺現在很少閒着，至少對那些年齡較小的同學可以這麼說。只有最大的男孩子和１８到２０歲的年輕姑娘才不挨打。杜賓斯先生的鞭子打起來特別重。別看他頭戴假髮，光禿着腦袋，可他剛到中年，身上的肌肉沒有一點鬆弛的跡象。隨着“大考”的臨近，他的蠻勁漸漸暴露無遺。只要學生出了差錯，哪怕是微不足道的小錯，他也要乘機發揮，以懲罰學生來獲取快感。結果這弄得那些年齡較小的男孩子惶惶不得終日，晚上就盤算着如何進行報復。他們一有空就搗蛋，從不放過任何給老師添亂子的機會。可老師仍然我行我素，不睬他們那一套。要是孩子們成功的話，隨之而來的懲罰猶如風捲殘雲，威風凜凜，總是以孩子們的徹底失敗而告終。但他們並不甘心失敗，而是聚在一起密謀，最後終於想出了一條妙計，這一定能取得輝煌勝利。他們找到了做招牌人的孩子，先讓他發誓保密，然後將他們的秘密計劃告訴他，請他幫忙，這真是一拍即合。原來這位老師在他家吃飯，在很多事情上已經得罪了這個孩子。過幾天，老師的太太要到鄉下去串門，這樣他們就能順利地實施計劃。另外，每逢重要日子，老師都要喝得酩酊大醉。那孩子說大考那天晚上，等老師差不多醉倒在椅子上打盹的時候，他就“乘機下手”，然後再伺機弄醒他，催他快到學校去。
VACATION was approaching. The schoolmaster, always severe, grew severer and more exacting than ever, for he wanted the school to make a good showing on "Examination" day. His rod and his ferule were seldom idle now--at least among the smaller pupils. Only the biggest boys, and young ladies of eighteen and twenty, escaped lashing. Mr. Dobbins' lashings were very vigorous ones, too; for although he carried, under his wig, a perfectly bald and shiny head, he had only reached middle age, and there was no sign of feebleness in his muscle. As the great day approached, all the tyranny that was in him came to the surface; he seemed to take a vindictive pleasure in punishing the least shortcomings. The consequence was, that the smaller boys spent their days in terror and suffering and their nights in plotting revenge. They threw away no opportunity to do the master a mischief. But he kept ahead all the time. The retribution that followed every vengeful success was so sweeping and majestic that the boys always retired from the field badly worsted. At last they conspired together and hit upon a plan that promised a dazzling victory. They swore in the signpainter's boy, told him the scheme, and asked his help. He had his own reasons for being delighted, for the master boarded in his father's family and had given the boy ample cause to hate him. The master's wife would go on a visit to the country in a few days, and there would be nothing to interfere with the plan; the master always prepared himself for great occasions by getting pretty well fuddled, and the signpainter's boy said that when the dominie had reached the proper condition on Examination Evening he would "manage the thing" while he napped in his chair; then he would have him awakened at the right time and hurried away to school.
到了預定的時間，晚上８點鐘，那個有趣的時刻終於來臨了。 教室裡燈火輝煌，掛着花環和綵帶，綵帶上扎着葉子和花朵。在高高的講台上，老師像皇帝一樣坐在那把大椅子裡，身後就是黑板。還好他看上去不像大醉的樣子。他前面有六排長凳，上面坐著鎮上的要人。兩邊又各有三排長凳，坐的是學生家長。左前方，家長座位後面臨時搭起了一個大講台，參加晚上考試的考生全都坐在這裡。一排排的小男孩被家長打扮得過了頭，個個被洗得乾乾淨淨，穿得整整齊齊，讓人覺得都有點不舒服。接着的是一排排大男孩，顯得有些靦腆和獃板。再瞧那些小女孩和大姑娘，她們一身素裝，潔白耀眼，個個穿著細麻軟布做的衣服，頭上插着許多裝飾品，有鮮花，有粉紅和藍色相間的髮帶，還有老祖母傳下來的各種小裝飾物。她們露着胳膊站在那裡，尤其顯得有些侷促不安。 那些沒有考試任務的學生都散坐在教室裡別的地方。
In the fulness of time the interesting occasion arrived. At eight in the evening the schoolhouse was brilliantly lighted, and adorned with wreaths and festoons of foliage and flowers. The master sat throned in his great chair upon a raised platform, with his blackboard behind him. He was looking tolerably mellow. Three rows of benches on each side and six rows in front of him were occupied by the dignitaries of the town and by the parents of the pupils. To his left, back of the rows of citizens, was a spacious temporary platform upon which were seated the scholars who were to take part in the exercises of the evening; rows of small boys, washed and dressed to an intolerable state of discomfort; rows of gawky big boys; snowbanks of girls and young ladies clad in lawn and muslin and conspicuously conscious of their bare arms, their grandmothers' ancient trinkets, their bits of pink and blue ribbon and the flowers in their hair. All the rest of the house was filled with non-participating scholars.
考試開始了。一個年齡小的男孩站起來按事先準備好的說：“大家可能沒有想到，像我這年齡的孩子會到講台上來當眾演講。”等等諸如此類的話。他邊說邊十分吃力地比划著，動作雖然準確，但卻很生硬，生硬得像出了點故障的機器一般。他機械地鞠躬退場，獲得了全場一陣熱烈的鼓掌。
The exercises began. A very little boy stood up and sheepishly recited, "You'd scarce expect one of my age to speak in public on the stage," etc.--accompanying himself with the painfully exact and spasmodic gestures which a machine might have used--supposing the machine to be a trifle out of order. But he got through safely, though cruelly scared, and got a fine round of applause when he made his manufactured bow and retired.
一個小女孩臉通紅口齒不清地背誦了“瑪麗有隻小羊羔”等，然後十分認真地行了個屈膝禮。在博得了大家的一陣掌聲後，她紅着臉，高興地坐了下來。
A little shamefaced girl lisped, "Mary had a little lamb," etc., performed a compassion-inspiring curtsy, got her meed of applause, and sat down flushed and happy.
湯姆·索亞十分自信地走上前去，背起了那千古名篇《不自由，毋寧死》。他慷慨陳詞，不時還大幅度地做着手勢， 可背着背着中途就接不上了。怯場症像魔鬼一樣攫住了他，他兩腿發顫，似乎有窒息之感。所有在場的人確實替他捏了把汗，可沒人吭一聲，這讓他覺得比同情他更難受。到後來，老師皺起了眉頭，湯姆這下全完了。他結結巴巴要往下背誦，可過了一會，便好像隻鬥敗的公鷄一樣溜下場去。台下的人想鼓一兩掌，可掌聲剛起就消失了。
Tom Sawyer stepped forward with conceited confidence and soared into the unquenchable and indestructible "Give me liberty or give me death" speech, with fine fury and frantic gesticulation, and broke down in the middle of it. A ghastly stage-fright seized him, his legs quaked under him and he was like to choke. True, he had the manifest sympathy of the house but he had the house's silence, too, which was even worse than its sympathy. The master frowned, and this completed the disaster. Tom struggled awhile and then retired, utterly defeated. There was a weak attempt at applause, but it died early.
隨後有人背誦了“那個男孩子站在燃燒的甲板上”，“亞述人走來了”等一些名篇。接下來的是朗讀表演和拼寫比賽。寥寥數人的拉丁語班背誦時顯得無比自豪。最後晚上的黃金節目終於到了——姑娘們自己的“獨創大作”。大家一個接一個走上前站在講台邊，等清完嗓子就拿出稿子（用鮮艷的緞帶扎着）唸起來。她們個個唸得有聲有色，十分賣力讓人都覺得有點不自然。文章的主題都是她們的母親和祖母們在同樣場合下早已發揮過的。毫無疑問，由此可以追溯到十字軍時代她們家族的母系祖先們，人人都用過這類主題，《友情論》就是其中之一。另外還有《昔日重來》、《歷史上的宗教》、《夢境》、《文化的優點》、《政體比照論》、《傷感》、《孝道》、《心願》等等。
"The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck" followed; also "The Assyrian Came Down," and other declamatory gems. Then there were reading exercises, and a spelling fight. The meagre Latin class recited with honor. The prime feature of the evening was in order, now--original "compositions" by the young ladies. Each in her turn stepped forward to the edge of the platform, cleared her throat, held up her manuscript (tied with dainty ribbon), and proceeded to read, with labored attention to "expression" and punctuation. The themes were the same that had been illuminated upon similar occasions by their mothers before them, their grandmothers, and doubtless all their ancestors in the female line clear back to the Crusades. "Friendship" was one; "Memories of Other Days"; "Religion in History"; "Dream Land"; "The Advantages of Culture"; "Forms of Political Government Compared and Contrasted"; "Melancholy"; "Filial Love"; "Heart Longings," etc., etc.
這類文章的共同特點有三個：一是無病呻吟，故作悲傷；二是堆砌詞語，濫用華麗詞藻；三是特別偏愛一些陳詞濫調。此外，這些文章有個顯著特點，也是它們的敗筆之處：就是每篇文章的結尾都有一段根深蒂固的說教詞，好像斷尾巴的狗一樣，令人難受。她們的“獨創大作”不管涉及到什麼內容，她們都絞盡腦汁，千方百計讓人思索以便獲得道德或宗教上的啟示。在眾目睽睽之下，這種說教雖然給人以假話的感覺，但這種風氣還是消除不了，時至今日依然如故。也許只要世界存在一天，這種毫無誠意的說教就永遠消滅不了。在這個國度裡，有哪所學校的女生不覺得非在文章的結尾加上一段說教詞不可呢？更有意思的是你會發現越是不守規矩、不太信仰宗教的那些女孩，她們的文章寫的就越長、越虔誠。
A prevalent feature in these compositions was a nursed and petted melancholy; another was a wasteful and opulent gush of "fine language"; another was a tendency to lug in by the ears particularly prized words and phrases until they were worn entirely out; and a peculiarity that conspicuously marked and marred them was the inveterate and intolerable sermon that wagged its crippled tail at the end of each and every one of them. No matter what the subject might be, a brainracking effort was made to squirm it into some aspect or other that the moral and religious mind could contemplate with edification. The glaring insincerity of these sermons was not sufficient to compass the banishment of the fashion from the schools, and it is not sufficient today; it never will be sufficient while the world stands, perhaps. There is no school in all our land where the young ladies do not feel obliged to close their compositions with a sermon; and you will find that the sermon of the most frivolous and the least religious girl in the school is always the longest and the most relentlessly pious. But enough of this. Homely truth is unpalatable.
得了，忠言逆耳，不說這些了。我們再接着講“大考”的情況。朗讀的第一篇文章的題目是《難道這就是生活嗎？》。下面摘錄一段“以饗”讀者。
Let us return to the "Examination." The first composition that was read was one entitled "Is this, then, Life?" Perhaps the reader can endure an extract from it:
飛舞馳騁的想象描繪出一幅幅玫瑰色歡樂的場景。 時尚的弄潮兒沉溺于紙醉金迷，夢幻中發現自己置身于歡樂的人群，成了眾人眼裡的明星。她舉止優雅，身穿素裝長袍，翩翩起舞于歡樂的迷宮。她的眼睛最明亮，她的步伐最輕盈。
"In the common walks of life, with what delightful emotions does the youthful mind look forward to some anticipated scene of festivity! Imagination is busy sketching rose-tinted pictures of joy. In fancy, the voluptuous votary of fashion sees herself amid the festive throng, 'the observed of all observers.' Her graceful form, arrayed in snowy robes, is whirling through the mazes of the joyous dance; her eye is brightest, her step is lightest in the gay assembly.
夢幻美妙，時光如梭，等待她進入天堂的時刻來臨了。她的所見猶如被點化一般，似仙女下凡！每到一處，物變景更美。可時隔不久，她發現漂亮的外表徒有虛名： 曾經令她心花怒放的甜言蜜語，現在錚錚刺耳；舞廳變得平淡無奇；她身心憔悴地退出，篤信世俗之樂何以能夠慰藉心靈的企求！
"In such delicious fancies time quickly glides by, and the welcome hour arrives for her entrance into the Elysian world, of which she has had such bright dreams. How fairy-like does everything appear to her enchanted vision! Each new scene is more charming than the last. But after a while she finds that beneath this goodly exterior, all is vanity, the flattery which once charmed her soul, now grates harshly upon her ear; the ballroom has lost its charms; and with wasted health and imbittered heart, she turns away with the conviction that earthly pleasures cannot satisfy the longings of the soul!"
等等、等等諸如此類的話，朗讀中，人群裡爆發出一陣滿意的嗡嗡聲，還不時地突然低聲說道：“多麼美好！”“真能服人！”“樸實無華！”最後一段佈道詞特別令人難受，大家都巴不得早點結束。朗讀剛完，全場就報以熱烈的掌聲。
And so forth and so on. There was a buzz of gratification from time to time during the reading, accompanied by whispered ejaculations of "How sweet!" "How eloquent!" "So true!" etc., and after the thing had closed with a peculiarly afflicting sermon the applause was enthusiastic.
下一個站起來的是一位身材瘦弱、性格憂鬱的女孩，她臉色蒼白得引人注目，那是經常服藥和消化不良留下的後遺症。她朗頌了一首“詩歌”。這裡節選其中兩節就可以了：
Then arose a slim, melancholy girl, whose face had the "interesting" paleness that comes of pills and indigestion, and read a "poem." Two stanzas of it will do:
密蘇里少女告別阿拉巴馬
"A MISSOURI MAIDEN'S FAREWELL TO ALABAMA
再見，阿拉巴馬！我愛你篤深， 離別雖短暫，難捨又難分！ 想到你，往事歷歷燃胸間， 愛憐又悲傷。 曾記否，萬花叢中留下我的足跡， 德拉波斯溪旁有我朗朗的讀書聲； 我聽過德達西的流水猶如萬馬奔騰， 我見過庫薩山巔晨曦的分娩。
"Alabama, goodbye! I love thee well! But yet for a while do I leave thee now! Sad, yes, sad thoughts of thee my heart doth swell, And burning recollections throng my brow! For I have wandered through thy flowery woods; Have roamed and read near Tallapoosa's stream; Have listened to Tallassee's warring floods, And wooed on Coosa's side Aurora's beam.
我心繫百事，無悔無怨， 含淚迴首，心平氣緩。 我告別的是我熟悉的地方， 見我嘆息的也不是異鄉他客； 來到該州，我賓至如歸， 可如今我將遠離高山大谷。 親愛的阿拉巴馬，一旦我心灰意冷， 那時，我真的告別人寰。
在場的人沒有幾個理解她“真的告別人寰”的含義，不過這首詩還是令人滿意的。
"Yet shame I not to bear an o'erfull heart, Nor blush to turn behind my tearful eyes; 'Tis from no stranger land I now must part, 'Tis to no strangers left I yield these sighs. Welcome and home were mine within this State, Whose vales I leave--whose spires fade fast from me And cold must be mine eyes, and heart, and tete, When, dear Alabama! they turn cold on thee!" There were very few there who knew what "tete" meant, but the poem was very satisfactory, nevertheless.
接着又上來一位姑娘。她黑眼睛、黑頭髮連皮膚也黝黑。上來後，她稍作停頓，這一停頓令人難忘。隨後她一副痛苦不堪的樣子，用莊嚴而又有節奏的語調開始唸起來。
Next appeared a dark-complexioned, black-eyed, black-haired young lady, who paused an impressive moment, assumed a tragic expression, and began to read in a measured, solemn tone:
一個夢想
"A VISION
夜色深沉，狂風肆虐，暴雨傾盆。老天爺高高在上，四周無半點星辰閃爍；炸雷滾滾，滿天轟鳴，震耳欲聾。 憤怒的閃電穿過烏雲，劃破夜空，大有吞噬富蘭克林之感。這位傑出的科學家在閃電交織的時候勇敢地放飛風箏以測電能。大風也平地而起，以助雷電群起而攻之，場面更加荒涼無比。
"Dark and tempestuous was night. Around the throne on high not a single star quivered; but the deep intonations of the heavy thunder constantly vibrated upon the ear; whilst the terrific lightning revelled in angry mood through the cloudy chambers of heaven, seeming to scorn the power exerted over its terror by the illustrious Franklin! Even the boisterous winds unanimously came forth from their mystic homes, and blustered about as if to enhance by their aid the wildness of the scene.
如此時刻，如此黑暗陰沉，我心生慈悲為眾生哀嘆。
"At such a time, so dark, so dreary, for human sympathy my very spirit sighed; but instead thereof,
“我最親愛的朋友、老師、我的安慰者和嚮導—— 我的悲傷中的快樂，我隨着歡樂而來的福，”來到我身邊。 她像浪漫的年輕畫家畫的伊甸園裡的仙女一般，漫步在陽光下，一個樸實無華巧奪天工的絶代佳人。她步履輕盈來去無聲無息。要不是她也和別的仙女一樣輕撫人間，令人神奇為之震顫，她會像浮雲一般讓人不知不覺，消失得無影無蹤。她指着外面酣戰的狂風暴雨要人們想想它們各象徵著什麼，這時她臉上莫名其妙地頓生愁雲，猶如寒冬臘月裡的天氣令人顫慄。
"'My dearest friend, my counsellor, my comforter and guide--My joy in grief, my second bliss in joy,' came to my side. She moved like one of those bright beings pictured in the sunny walks of fancy's Eden by the romantic and young, a queen of beauty unadorned save by her own transcendent loveliness. So soft was her step, it failed to make even a sound, and but for the magical thrill imparted by her genial touch, as other unobtrusive beauties, she would have glided away unperceived--unsought. A strange sadness rested upon her features, like icy tears upon the robe of December, as she pointed to the contending elements without, and bade me contemplate the two beings presented."
令人可怕的描述差不多用了十頁稿紙，結尾仍是一段說教詞，把非長老會的教徒說得一點希望都沒有，這篇文章因此而獲得了頭獎，被認為是當天晚上最優秀的作文。鎮長在頒獎時，發表了一番熱情洋溢的講話。他說這篇文章是他平生以來聽到的“最美”的文章，連大演說家丹尼爾·韋伯斯特聽了也會感到驕傲的。
This nightmare occupied some ten pages of manuscript and wound up with a sermon so destructive of all hope to non-Presbyterians that it took the first prize. This composition was considered to be the very finest effort of the evening. The mayor of the village, in delivering the prize to the author of it, made a warm speech in which he said that it was by far the most "eloquent" thing he had ever listened to, and that Daniel Webster himself might well be proud of it.
順便說一下，有些人過多使用“美好”兩個字，愛把人生的經歷比喻成“人生的一頁”，這樣的文章像平常一樣出現了很多。
It may be remarked, in passing, that the number of compositions in which the word "beauteous" was over-fondled, and human experience referred to as "life's page," was up to the usual average.
那位老師這時醉得几乎是一副和藹可親的樣子。他推開椅子，背對著觀眾，開始在黑板上畫美國地圖，為考地理課作準備。可他的手不聽使喚，結果把圖畫得不象樣，引得大家暗地裡忍俊不禁。他心裡清楚大家在笑他畫得不好，於是就着手修改。他擦去一些綫，然後又畫上，結果畫得比原來的還差，大家更加肆無忌憚地笑話他。他孤注一擲，大有泰山壓頂不彎腰之勢，全身心地投入，準備把地圖畫好。他覺得大家全都盯着他看，想象着自己終於畫成了一幅像樣的美國圖，可是下面的笑聲還是不斷傳來，並且明顯地越來越大。原來他頭頂上是個閣樓，閣樓的天窗正對著老師的頭頂。一隻腰部繫著繩子的貓從上面懸空而下，它的頭和嘴被破布紮上了，出不了聲。在下降的過程中，貓向上翹起身子用爪抓住繩子，然後在空中亂舞一通後向下悠來。大家的笑聲越來越大。貓離那個專心作畫的老師頭部只有六英吋遠。越來越近，越來越低，貓終於在絶望中一下子抓住了老師的假髮。隨即那貓連同假髮一下子又竄回閣樓。老師的禿頭光彩四射，因為那個做招牌人的孩子已經給他頭上上了一層光。
Now the master, mellow almost to the verge of geniality, put his chair aside, turned his back to the audience, and began to draw a map of America on the blackboard, to exercise the geography class upon. But he made a sad business of it with his unsteady hand, and a smothered titter rippled over the house. He knew what the matter was, and set himself to right it. He sponged out lines and remade them; but he only distorted them more than ever, and the tittering was more pronounced. He threw his entire attention upon his work, now, as if determined not to be put down by the mirth. He felt that all eyes were fastened upon him; he imagined he was succeeding, and yet the tittering continued; it even manifestly increased. And well it might. There was a garret above, pierced with a scuttle over his head; and down through this scuttle came a cat, suspended around the haunches by a string; she had a rag tied about her head and jaws to keep her from mewing; as she slowly descended she curved upward and clawed at the string, she swung downward and clawed at the intangible air. The tittering rose higher and higher--the cat was within six inches of the absorbed teacher's head--down, down, a little lower, and she grabbed his wig with her desperate claws, clung to it, and was snatched up into the garret in an instant with her trophy still in her possession! And how the light did blaze abroad from the master's bald pate--for the signpainter's boy had gilded it!
考試就此結束，孩子們報了仇，假期來臨了。
That broke up the meeting. The boys were avenged. Vacation had come.
NOTE:--The pretended "compositions" quoted in this chapter are taken without alteration from a volume entitled "Prose and Poetry, by a Western Lady"--but they are exactly and precisely after the schoolgirl pattern, and hence are much happier than any mere imitations could be.